i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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