I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
