oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Who put my cat in the fridge?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
