OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
