I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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