hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
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