If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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