i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
