You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
