no, he came in my armpit
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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