i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize