We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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