I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
