I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Randomize
