Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
