oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
