I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize