After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
