When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
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