Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
