Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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