I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
