I wish my penis had an off switch
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
