bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
