Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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