Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
