its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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