You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
