tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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