Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
