i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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