Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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