i would punch a child for taco bell
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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