Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm passing your future prison.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
