Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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