so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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