Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
