Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
