He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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