i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
