Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
