also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
