a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
