I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You can't just leave with hair like that
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
