All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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