Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
