Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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