Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
