Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
