Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
