Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
too bad you live with your parents still
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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