ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Buhtt sex?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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