i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
