i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
