I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
