I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
