Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
