I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
