Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
