if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
