Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
