hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
